It drives me a little crazy when people accuse me of being a good person.

If and when I do something good or helpful or even useful my motivation is purely to get back to zero, to try and undo some past wrong.

There is an ancient Hindu/Buddhist concept called “Ahimsa” it essentially it means, “do no harm”. Non-violence in and to all things. I can’t even grasp that conceptually. I have a lot of work to do to get back to even, to undo the harm I’ve done and the pain I’ve caused.
There is a balance sheet in the universe; I have operated my entire life in the red, on the negative side. Taking from the universe, injecting harm.

I don’t have a lofty goals or fantasies about virgins in the sky, or any of that. I’m just trying to get back to zero and stay there.
If you accuse me of being a good person. You don’t understand my motivation at all.

I don’t pay it forward, I don’t give back, I am simply trying to climb my way out of a hole.

That ruthless self inventory, feeds me, drives me. I need it daily. Some of us don’t really have high spiritual goals, we simply want to one day undo the damage. I do think the negative energy I’ve injected into the universe needs to be reckoned with. I deeply believe there are people of the spirit, sky and people like me of the earth and below, like me. I’m OK with that. I just want to keep my head above ground, to keep breathing.