Blog

Ahimsa

It drives me a little crazy when people accuse me of being a good person.

If and when I do something good or helpful or even useful my motivation is purely to get back to zero, to try and undo some past wrong.

There is an ancient Hindu/Buddhist concept called “Ahimsa” it essentially it means, “do no harm”. Non-violence in and to all things. I can’t even grasp that conceptually. I have a lot of work to do to get back to even, to undo the harm I’ve done and the pain I’ve caused.
There is a balance sheet in the universe; I have operated my entire life in the red, on the negative side. Taking from the universe, injecting harm. [Read more…] about Ahimsa

The Good, The Bad and Junkyards in Jersey

Everyone knows they are going to die, I’m not sure we all believe it. I don’t believe it. I don’t live like I believe it.

My friend with cancer, tonight, I realized she knows it and believes it. There is a profound difference between the two. It’s a coming to terms with everyone’s greatest fear. I saw the reality in her eyes. I saw a fear filled peace.

I run from it, refuse to accept it or believe because I’m so fucking scared of it.

I should accept it. I’ve done enough stupid shit, been so close too many times. [Read more…] about The Good, The Bad and Junkyards in Jersey

A Farm

A few months ago woman mailed me an old picture; a cow in a field of short grass. In the background was a man and a boy on a tractor, they were in straw hats. Even from fifty years away I could still feel the heat of the sun that day. I could smell the grass, now hay, cut and drying in that sun.

I slowly became lost in the photo. I remember that cow, we ate her. Tough meat. She went down fighting, I remember the day. I stood there while she was shot in the head. [Read more…] about A Farm

The Syria Bombing Thing

This whole Syria bombing thing had me thinking all day about the barroom days.

There was this guy, I fought him a lot, his name was Carlos, a real asshole. He was a drug dealer, heroin. He raped at least two women. I hated him. [Read more…] about The Syria Bombing Thing

my friend has cancer and that’s not even the worst of it

My friend has cancer, really bad stage four-fuck up your life-this ain’t no joke-fucking cancer.

When we first found out she was sick we wanted to take her to the Cancer Treatment Center in Philadelphia, about 80 miles from home. But that would make too much sense, so her insurance company in their profound wisdom, decided that she should go to the cancer treatment center in Newnan Georgia. A fine center it is, filled with fine, very capable, very kind and knowledgeable people. Quite possibly some of the most caring people I’ve ever met in my life. There is only one downside, if you don’t factor in the fact that she has stage four, fucking-fuck up your life cancer, the downside is that she is 1000 miles away from home and family and friends and people who love her and care about her. [Read more…] about my friend has cancer and that’s not even the worst of it